Back to Square One

 | Dec 29th, 2025 | Monday

there's the longing... urge... nudge... nagging me to come back here again.

i hope this is not that end-of-year realisation that need to be done.
i hope this leads to something.
something that demands action
cos, enough of shedding skin.
enough of seeking truth, finding ground.
it's time for action.

Knock, Knock.

 Who's there?

Ha!

3 years of cob web.

Life's busier over at Instagram, Facebook and Thread.

Just checkin' on here.

On yet?

When i was 6, in Kindergarten, i have vivid memory of the nun (although not her face) who scolded me for not being able to read. Told me repeatedly to ask help from anyone older at home to guide me reading. I went home that day wondering why i couldn't read. I was so certain had read the word clearly; s-a sa, y-a ya. But it just didn't come out from my mouth. I did seek help from my older brothers but words that went in my head just stuck there, didn't want to come out eloquently like how it supposed to. I finished kinder school as under performer. At least, that's what implanted in my childhood memories.

A year later, Primary One, from no word at all to being able to read simple sentences better. All thanks to a fiery English teacher and a smart friend who was able to teach me to spell and read all in span of just a few lessons...or perhaps days but definitely able to read soon after.

Our English teacher was furious i wasn't able to read. She assigned a friend, who was the top student in class, to be my mentor. The catch was, if she's not able to pass me, both of us will kena. I don't know how she did it but she did. I CAN READ. And i am forever thankful to her. Hence this story that i still ponder until this very day.

I deduced, everyone has a 'switch' when it comes to learning (anything). It's just a matter of time this switch will be triggered taking in all possible variables. In my case, the two people (and notably the consequences of not being able to read) i mentioned earlier triggered my learning switch to read. Arm with this in mind, i always tell myself whenever faced with students with difficulty in learning, that there will be time that they too, will have their learning switch triggered. Whatever that switch leads them to considering all the surrounding factors. Of course, this is all easier said than done if you are pressed for expectations and results. But that's another story for another time.

Leticia by the way, has been showing improvement on her reading ability (English lah, BM is still disastrous). As a teacher, i'm fully aware that she is a quick learner and to which I'm thankful to God. We have expectations for her but we are also reminded that she is just 5. I want her to be able to read and count by 7 cos that's the expectation in our education system. Yet at the same time, we want her to learn with the flow. We don't do academic schooling on daily basis. Sometimes we skipped homework (OMG, teacher?!) because I also believe in non-academic learning. But when we do focus on the first, we try to put in as much and at the same time learning to press the Stop button when things get too loaded aka emotions interfere. Ha.

I nudge myself that the key to learning and instigate motivation to learn is not pushing the limit. Not yet. Not at her age. Not at this circumstance.

Patience.

And patience, as simple as the word seems to be, is not all easy especially to parents. I realised, whenever i lose my patience during our learning session, there is nothing much she learns except the fact that 'mummy is angry' or 'mummy is upset'. Vice versa.

I am actually amazed at the rate she's able to read sight words taking into account our inconsistent reading time. But just by being there, participating with her fully has indeed encourage her more. Again, i know, she's a quick learner with less to worry about learning disability. And again, a blessing i will never cease to be grateful.

However, if one day i am to face with her learning switch that is tough and demanding, may i find this entry today a reminder to be patient more than ever.

Teacher Joyce Sutili, my Primary One English teacher.

Amilia Petrus, the friend who I am indebted to forever.

...and i bear no grudge with the nun. I have even forgotten her name.

       

Hello Twenty 21

As always, annual New Year blog post.

First thing first, to update Lifetime List and ST Goals.

2020 was a roller coaster ride to most people due to the pandemic especially to those directly affected. Wouldn't dare say i understood the feeling cos even if i did, what's not being able to go out freely be terribly upsetting compared to those who have to witness loved ones gone because of Covid-19?

So, no. Not going to touch on that.

I put up the same short term goals for this year, adding health and specific saving as priority goal. That should always come first, right? But i didn't in the previous year. However, things that happened in 2020 concerning to health and money had shaken my conscious about these two. So, yeah.

24 books? Who am I kidding?

But even if I didn't get to finish 24, FIVE reads to be exact, it shouldn't press me up.

To read that amount without solid motivation and ehem, when Kdrama fever finally hit me (hard)...let's just take this as a more fun goal to look forward to in life. To be able to read 5 is better than none at all.

Over to my List of a lifetime...

I managed to tick THREE off!

1. I decided to put a little contribution to UNICEF.

Well, no asking why i chose this cause lah kan.

2. Diving checked! Well, more like a spontaneous decision. Carpe Diem.

The experience though is not something i would say i want more. Perhaps not very soon.

I kind of had a hard time especially when submerging into the water. Fear. Trauma. 

BUT! I'm proud i did not back off. Thanks to SIL and the young but experienced dive master who wouldn't let me give up.

3. An apartment of our own.

Thanks to the Pan Borneo project that affected our current inherited house, we were forced to find a new place to stay while the project is on going. We came upon my eldest brother's apartment for sale. With the help of FIL, we managed to seal the deal despite the pandemic. We haven't move in yet but praying 2021 will be a good time to be at a new home. Amen.

For this year, I am looking at three more things to strike. Semoga dipermudahkan.

As for the rest of 2020, quite a few new things learned or rather forced to learn and adapt. 

Most things going online including education. Tough year but we gotta do what we gotta do. 

On the fun part, i managed to learn how to grow bean sprouts and mushroom as well as (again, Carpe Diem) enrolled myself for a Pole Dance class. I couldn't finish the 2nd level class full term but i had so much fun learning and discovering my own body during the weekly class. Until i carpe diem again lah then i go continue finding my way upside down on the pole like a pro. Ha!

Overall, it was quite a year, that 2020.

Looked short; March to Dec...but looking back at my Facebook 2020 album, there were hefty activities going on that kept us busy whole year round. Of course, things that taught us some lessons to be more wiser and prudent.

THANK YOU Lord for the year that passed.

TOAST to another year to live life.

May God's grace and mercy shower us all in the next 363 days.

 

Some things to refocus and calibrate

Some things to just let blur in the background

-cchs-

to School, or Not?

JULY 20, 2020

School has gradually reopened...with new normal definitely. And this coming Wednesday is another batch of pupils to complete the back-to-school announcement while still fighting this deadly pandemic Covid 19. Parents are definitely worried about sending their children to school especially those smaller kids age 10 and below. As a parent myself, with statistics of new cases still persist daily, I too worry about her health safety. But sending her to school is our best option to get her academically schooled as the husband and I are required to be back full time at work.

Speaking of being academically schooled, @amydangin did an online chat with some mommies regarding homeschooling their children. Will not go in details of the chat but head over Amy’s profile and you’ll get the link to her Youtube channel for the said conversation.

Amy highlighted that by week 3 after MCO started, she was already stressed out by the amount of online homework that kept coming for her two sons to complete and later decided not to bother to keep up. As long as she knows her children are still being ‘schooled’ without needing to comply with homework and all.

I feel the same...especially when I have to keep up with giving out online classwork to my students as well. I only started giving out Online Classroom by 2nd week after the 1st mid term break. At the same time, my daughter’s kindie has also started giving out some work to be done at home. So, I thought ok easy peasy, kasi kerja online to my students and at the same time attending to my anak’s school work. Tetttt! So wrong.

It was a disaster. My teaching time with her only ended up stressing the both of us and this prolonged for about 2 weeks. She wanted me there, teach her and argue with her. But this mom couldn't handle the arguing part too much as my own online classroom was demanding and overwhelming.

So, I stopped.

I stopped forcing Ticia to do her schoolwork. Of course I showed her the teaching videos that her teacher sent but as for worksheets, I went with the flow. If she’s up for it, she’ll finish it. Vice versa. 

What she did then during that supposedly class session?

Watching her Netflix show on TV, Youtube on mummy’s laptop, cycling around the house either on her tricycle or the scooter, feed the kittens, play with them, chase butterflies and sometimes tree lizard at nearby bush, swim in her mini indoor pool, role play with her dollies and plushies, play dressing up and makeup, singing, dancing, drawing, coloring and all those filled her days at home.

Yet, with all these activities that seem to be just play and play, she still knows her ABCs and their sounds, count numbers to 20 and knows quantity, write her name and some alphabets. Perhaps not reading yet but we’ll go through this eventually before she gets to Primary 1. I know she’s learning well, so...yeah.

I did worry that her teacher would think i’m a lazy mother but i realized, my sanity and the quality of my relationship with my daughter as well as my husband are more important than wanting to make sure all homework is done and submitted to the school.

But, you are a teacher! You surely must know that you need feedback and the easiest way is to get students to do homework and submit them. Yes, I know. But no, i don’t force them to submit for a lot of different reasons that they might be having while trying to catch up with the new learning norm. Of course, this would be different if we are not facing this difficult time.

Some parents did ask the school if they can homeschool their children especially during this pandemic. Yes, you can. Parents are required to write a formal letter to the school that they are not ready to send their children. However, parents must also be aware that after 22nd of July, there will be NO MORE online learning i.e. teachers giving out teaching and learning materials via Google Classroom or other medium of online learning. Hence, parents must ensure that they are able to provide home-based learning for their kids so that once the kids are back in school, they will not be clueless on what has been going on in school. That is temporary homeschooling.

As for permanently homeschooling your children, well, while our education policy has made it compulsory that all children aged 7 to 12 are required to be sent to school, you can still opt for not sending your children for formal school. Of course, this requires formal application to the ministry. No details here but if you seriously looking into this option, drop by at the local Education Department to forward your enquiry.

All points taken (hopefully), you know your children better. School is a learning place for children when parents aren’t able to do so, mostly because we are working ourselves. If you reckon keeping them at home and teaching them on your own is your best option, then by all means do it. It’s not for everyone but yes, it’s doable.

Whatever it is, we just want the best for our future generation. And we also pray that this pandemic will be over very soon.

Stay safe, kita jaga kita.

PS: This is my personal POV as a mother of a 4 year old and a teacher. Scenario could be different for parents with children of various age.

Book Lover vs Book Worm

Growing up, I do not have much memories of wanting or loving books. I don't even remember being a young reader, passionate about books. In short, I didn't read much growing up.

But I remember Hensel and Gretel.

That was the first story book I received as present from my late father. Can't remember now why I got it as present. But I treasured the book. I kept it for years however lost it while in transition to being adult.

Library.

That's how (technically, where) I get to love reading.

I was sixteen.

During the days when we didn't have extra curricular activities after school, dad would sent me to the library and spent my time there waiting for him to finish work and collect me two and half hours later.

It was burdening in the beginning cos I was supposed to go there and study.

So to kill time, I would study the first half to an hour and do shelves browsing the remaining time. Most of the time, I ended up chilling on the sofa at the magazine section.

Then came the final term before the big exam.

Spent more time at the library of course. With a twist. A guy in the picture. One that I had crush with. He loved browsing the novel section which eventually led yours truly wandering at the same section. Ha! Kerja buduh.

But.

There's good in that.

And you guessed correctly.

I started to read books. Well, novels precisely.

Still!

That guy is history.

But the reading continues.

Bagus juga kan pigi library?

My reading habit keep growing as I enrolled in Uni. Apa lagi bila ada room mate that was crazily in love with reading. Every night mesti baca buku before bed. Lucky thing, it impacted on me so much.

I would borrowed her books at first. It then escalated to me borrowing books from the library. I remember doing a book literature review on Danielle Steel's The Ring that I borrowed from the Uni library. It got me an A! Not because it was a best seller book nor my grammar was perfect. I believe, it's the way the story absorbed into my mind that I was able to deliver the review in such a way, my lecturer loved it. Mangkali lah...

Back to present time...

I am picking up reading again.

I only read THREE books last year. Much better compared to the year before; one.

Why the need to accomplish a certain quantity of books?

Why read?

This is funny, but I find my imagination is getting dull in recent years.

I find myself rolled eyes at love stories.

I feel my ears blocked at sad songs.

I sense my heart froze listening to happy endings.

I feel myself getting cold to the many emotions around me except the one i have for my daughter.

Despite the many things that have been happening, i'm sensing my soul is slowly emptied. Ok that's too personal to dig in for now. But yeah, i feel the need to read to fill up that hollowness. I need someone's colorful narratives to fill up my head. I want someone's perspective on life to water my drying soul. I just need to feel again. Anything.

And then the final bell came when one day I realized how I could sorta listen to books calling out to me whenever I see postings of book/s on Instagram.

So i set a target.

Twelve books at the end of this year. At least.

Currently finishing my 6th book.

How has 6 books changed me in span of three months?

I thirst for more.

More stories. More varieties. More characters. More colors. More emotions.

Not much.

But it is better than before 6 books read.

List revised.

2019.

Woohoo!

Here I go again.

Blowing cobweb off my blog site.

After the last post...almost a year ago to be exact, in which I promised myself to regularly blog. Andddd obviously, did not.

Anyways.

Here again to revise my List.

Now, where have I gotten myself in that list?

To start, I had almost strike one last year;to pursue my Masters Degree. Would have been my third term now had I agreed to pursue 'there'. Unfortunately, things didn't go as planned. Circumstances. If only 'here' has a green to go, I would proudly chime the bell already. There...here...being secretive aye, Carol? Yalah, in short, I am yet to strike that 'Pursue my Masters Degree' list. Belum sampai masanya...

Yoga?

I have keep the 'become a certified Yoga Instructor' on hold until further notice. Priority, priority. But in terms of practice, the light has never dimmed. Glad yoga stumbled on my door few years back. Aiseh. This is one of two form of exercises I have not given up although the rate did slow down.

While becoming a certified instructor is on hold, I look forward to turn my home practice (and perhaps going to class) up a notch or two. My stamina is seriously at stake. Age does play role in there. But surely, not doing much about exercising is the major culprit to my stamina yang jatuh di gaung.

Travel?

No international departure (again) this year. That kinda travel have to wait. And I need to really bersabar for that time to come. Perhaps a blessing in disguise; so I have ample time to fill up my Botol Not Hijau. Ha! But at least, we get to bring my daughter to the Land of Hornbill last year. Sarawak is seriously a no play-play state to enter oukay. I mean, sure I have known this way before when I was still there to study. However considering my anak's unsettled documentation issue, traveling to Sarawak in the future is something that I will want to avoid if anything.

Sometime towards the third quarter of last year, some bunch of friends and I were eager to plan another Mt Kinabalu hike for 2019. Punya excited. Another climb down and 3 to go before I can finally strike 10 climbs in my List. Konon. Thought we could secure slot somewhere around now. We can only plan, God does the rest. A bunch of school teachers from the same work place wanting to go on a mountain hike on a school holiday? Well, mimpi saja lah. School holiday lah paling peak! And for us to get a non-school holiday dates, pun terima kasih sajalah. Ampai-ampai tidak kena approve our Cuti Rehat Khas. Baru dua orang colleague sama - sama mau CRK pun kena beliak mata, apa lagi a group of more than 5 colleagues. Tutup sekolah terus. Aaah well...let's just keep the tab open. Gunung tidak ke mana. Unless, the government decided to close the mountain for hiking. Touch wood.

The rest of the list... masih K.I.V.

Will be revised from time to time.

I am adding another list though...ha, more list. Dream on urang bilang kan.

Become (an almost) MINIMALIST.

Ok, i laugh inside.

I mean, hey...saya, mau jadi minimalist?

Mau ikut-ikut trend saja kau ini Kayul.

Barang - barang pun masih berlambak.

But, but, but.

Something has to start somewhere.

I know I have started a few steps if not many.

Like getting rid (and have them sold at school family day) of my clothes and shoes that no longer serve purpose to my life. (You know where this is going at when you read 'purpose' right? Next thing i'm gonna say 'spark'). I rearranged and reorganized our humble abode. (Thanks to parents in-law who moved out to a new home and flood. Yes, flood). Threw out some small stuffs, big stuffs and all this sparks joy! (See what i mean?)

Since then, words such as declutter,  planning, organized, clean, neat, zen, purpose, clear mind, happy dan yang sewaktu dengannya have slowly become my frequent vocab. I am yet all these words. Not yet. But i am trying to be part of it, become of it. I noticed some things (in my life) have eventually make way for me to see the path clearer. Or at least, I kinda know how and where my life trajectory is pointing at. It's exciting, really. Like seeing many doors opening up in front of me and the only thing I need to do is CHOOSE. Ok, perhaps the need to choose is already something difficult to act upon but one needs to choose before one can find what difficulty (or otherwise) lies beyond the door. And maybe, there is more door to choose while one is already in that room. Right?

Cut my yadda, yadda.

Basically, getting rid things that don't belong teach me detachment from stuffs, matters, people. Allows a clean slate of mind (that shouts happy heart) to focus only on what I need thus leads me to better planning skill. Of course, it is much easier to detach from something that you have not made connection for quite some time. Vice versa. But it'll get easier in time. And consistent practice. I know this even if I have not come to this length, fully. In time.

So yeah, an almost minimalist?

Why not?

For now, baby steps lah.

I said an almost minimalist, didn't I?

Wait, have I told you how did this triggered?

Having a child.

LETICIA SUNDUVANZA

Having someone to give your life to in return of nothing.

I am just like any mothers, wanting the best for my child.

And how does having a child strings together to being a minimalist?

Lain kali punya cerita lagi ok?

Till next time.

Dreaded Phase

Someone asked me not too long ago if Ticia has already stepped into the Terrible Two phase since she is... urm... two.

No, I said confidently.

Yes, she had been putting up tantrums and all that but I somehow felt they weren't that phase yet. I felt she was manageable. Easy peasy konon.

Well, until she got sick recently (and the daddy suspected she had growth spurt), she has since been terribly difficult to predict. One minute she was all angelic looking, flashing smile that melts the heart you just want to hug and kiss her all the time. Then all of sudden, a simple "Ticia, please wait" when she wanted something while my hands were occupied sent her lying on the floor, screaming crazily her voice so sharp it could break my ear-drum. Even a simple decline to being carried will make her furious. Lucky this only happens at home so far.

It has gotten too frequent in a day that this time I am so sure Terrible Twos has FINALLY making a show. Late by three months but yeah, here. However, deep down I know this phase does not acquired its name cos simply.

"There must be reasons to all this happenings. Reasons why she was unhappy,"

I sound like I am in denial of having a toddler who is acting exactly like how her age should be. But, if I know what gets her upset and frustrated, I can avoid all this drama, right?

Truth is, I just want to be able to tackle and handle this phase better. Whenever she throws an unexplainable fit, I try to avoid lying hands on her. But when she kept wailing, unwilling to give in, I find myself either spanking her leg or arm. And then ended up regretting my doing.
At other times, when I have no energy to entertain her unpredictable storm, I would just let her be. Ignore her wails and act like I didn't hear a thing. But, that sent me feeling guilty as well. What lesson did I give her by ignoring her tantrum?

What did I do?
Menggoogle lah ini ibu.

Ok, firstly, I must admit that this phase is normal. No, of course I know it's normal and I know it's inevitable but I MUST ACCEPT that even if I know what to expect and what to do, at times, things will get worst that I can't expect myself to be in control ALL THE TIME. I must learn that I will be defeated sometimes. That's how it will go. And that is how I will rise back and learn from it. Sehmen! So dramatic lah kau Carol.

'The less invested and upset you get, the quicker the storm will pass' - Anne Davies

That's what I am currently doing.
Every time my little princess warrior tries to show her frustration in the form of wailing, throwing herself on the floor, throwing things or hitting I try not to participate in what she is doing. Oh, this is definitely NOT EASY. It is not easy to not get angry when your child screams her lung out, eyes staring daringly at you telling that she was upset. But I try. And like I mentioned, it's not always my game. I don't always win. I don't always manage to control my anger. Terlepas juga tangan mentapap kaki si Ticia yang sudah sedia banyak gandas.

In spite of all that above, trying to be calm, rational and not to take her tantrums personally do help me slowly in tackling her melt down. It does feel victorious if I get to distract her from being upset when I cannot let her play with the water pipe for half an hour.
"Come, we mandi in the bathroom. You can play water in the tub."

Or when I manage to avoid drama by limiting choices.
"When the bubbles all gone that means you must get up already."

Or when my calm but repeatedly stern 'No' finally gets to her without intimidating her.
Or simply ignoring her which eventually led her to coming back to me when she was much calmer.

It has only been roughly two weeks since I try being 'less invested' but I am already feeling less tortured by her drama. She still throw herself on the floor. Still screaming. Still trying to hit and throw stuffs. But key word here, LESSER.

And most important, I feel much happy dealing with my daughter's tantrums. Ha!
Jangan Carol...itu baru bunga-bunga. Bak kata my sister in-law, this is the phase where you practically don't have a manual. One thing might work today. But may not the next day.

Well until I cross that new level of bridge, let's just enjoy what I have gain today lah orang bilang kan.

Cheers!
XOXO

100 Things to-do

I was scrolling through Pinterest looking for ideas.
Anything.
You know lah how Pinterest can aggravate your ideas from one tiny spark into fiery blaze.

So there I was, stumbling upon this pin about 100 Things To Do Before You Die.

Well honestly, I don't really fancy anything that says 'before you die'. Of course, death is certain to each and everyone of us. But, I always feel that it has some kind of negative connotation to the way I dictate my life. So, i rather think of it as something I want to do while I am STILL ALIVE. I feel the word alive alone already give a good vibration to how i want to live this life God wills on me. Power of word urang bilang bah.

Back to that list.
I do have my own Bucket List. And I list some of them in here.
Why do I have them?
Why do you have them (if you have)?

As my Zodiac and Almanac keeps pointing, I have an amount of positiveness in me that sometimes my husband thinks is absurd. Well, sampai kadang-kadang saya pun question juga kenapa baini telampau positip. But hey, that's what keep me ALIVE. That's what directs me in the paths God has laid upon me.

Keeping a list of to-do things, either long term or daily, gets me going. Never mind that I sometimes tend to ignore the list and at the beginning of next day, will still writing down the same list. Ha!
There was a particular year, I did not set any list. Not even a daily list. My intention was to go with the flow. Boy, that was really a gloomy year. I didn't look forward anything (cos I didn't know what to look forward to). I don't mind surprises (in life) but I rather something that I can plan at least properly if not perfect. Almost everyone loves having that feeling to be able to take charge of things, especially your own.

So I got back to writing a list.

Human nature; you want everything.
I want all!
But as I age, I realized that I can only do so much. Your mind is your limit, they say. But, to be fair lah, I BITE my limit, my absurd positivity to things that revolve around my family; my husband and daughter. And also, taking consideration my long time bad habit, PROCRASTINATION.

I anticipate two things to strike from my Bucket List this year. God willing.

Cheers!

School Time!

Tik.
Tok.
Tik.
Tok.

"Baru one o'clock."

Tik.
Tok.
Tik.
Tok.

"Almost three. Should I go get her now?"

A monologue of me and myself.
About?

Siapa lagi, kalau bukan si Leticia Sunduvanza.

We decided to send her to play school. Yes, already.
Honestly, I would want to send her when she's about three or perhaps four years old. However, circumstances do not allow that to happen. So yeah, she is in play school now.

How has it been so far?

It was GREAT on FIRST day.
She didn't even realize we left the school cos she was too engrossed with seeing new young friends around.
Not on the second day and the subsequent days so far though. At least, not in the morning when the daddy send her to school. She would cry and worst, would start showing her worried face even while still in the car.
Fortunately, whenever I go fetch her, she would already looked calm and settled.
Some minor comments from the teacher but none that aren't normal for first timer in school.


How has it been to us parents...ermmm, mommy especially?
It was weird in the beginning, really.
Being used to having her under the care of my mother in-law, I always felt that i need to rush back to get her home because I don't want my MIL be troubled to look after this little growing rascal. She can really exhaust everyone's energy.
Ever since she is in Play School, especially when I don't have to stay back at work for meetings and what not, I keep asking myself if I should go fetch her already. The Play School welcomes parents who wish to collect their child early than the supposed time. So if I decided to go home instead and wait till it is time for her to be collected, I would have this guilty feeling for allowing her stay in school while I am at home.
Funny.

It has been a week of (play) school.
Seriously, I think this is one of our best decisions regarding our daughter.
School has done such tremendous good job on her speech progress.
If you are my contacts on Instagram, you would know our concern with regards to her speech. Given a timeline to get her to show some progress in time for her next speech therapy session, I feel we are pushed to get up from our comfort zone and to NOT go with the flow. Especially when it is really not an easy job to train her to talk.
But.
School helps us with that!
In just a week, she is already able to say some words. Well, say the word lah, not talking. But hey, that is still a progress for us. I mean, if a week can do that much for her?

So yes, I am very glad we have her gone to play school.
Despite that emotional normalities that every mother will go through, I think I am quite OK with the new routine now.

Cheers to school!

TWO Awesome

Leticia is TWO!

Yes, how time flies.

It has been a very interesting two years of her life. And our life as parents.

Such a humble experience to learn life lessons through the life of a pure heart. Our Leticia.

Her actual birthday is next Monday, the 8th.

However, with close family members who are residing outside KK still around till the New Year and the fact that we have been postponing her birthday bash since she turned one, we decided to do her FIRST birthday party ten days early.

I have planned the whole thing since a year ago but things got serious the last two months before the do. As much as I had made plans, the saying 'nothing is perfect' rang true in my case. I wanted so many things done for her birthday but gave out less than what i had in mind. In short, what i had in mind remain mostly in my head. Poor planner I am. Lesson learned.

Having her birthday done only when she was much older seemed to be a genius idea than having it when she was just one. At least, she really gets to enjoy her party instead of sleeping or being carried around (Ticia didn't start walking until she was 13 months old). She even greeted almost every one of her guests by dashing to the front when seeing guest arrived to say Hi. Saved us half the effort to welcome the guests. Ha! And of course, she stayed up energetic until all the important programmes were done. By the time we wanted to take photos with the guests, her battery died on us when it was only a quarter of the guests photos taken. She literally slept in my arms.

P to the A to the T, A, H. PATAH!

Here are some photos of her birthday bash!

And oh, her birthday theme was The Wiggles. One of her first few favourite shows on Netflix.

Happy Two years old 

Leticia Sunduvanza!

Lembut Vs Garang

June 25th 2017
SUNDAY
***

Few years back, when my eldest brother's children were still toddlers, I never understand why their father was too calm in dealing with the kids' antics. Every time I saw the kids running around my mom's house like mad cows, I would get pissed not really to the kids but to my brother who did not seem bothered to scold his children. Or when he did, it would be too kind that I didn't think the kiddos would learn from it. And I blame his psychological teaching method (Read: Be kind and gentle and understanding) in raising his children.

You see, my siblings and I, we weren't raised like that. Mom was a very strict mother. Ikat di pokok langsat satu hari kind of strict. I never attended friends' birthday parties (except one time, accompanied by eldest bro) cos mom didn't approve. If she allowed me out during day time, the Before 12 & 6 rules will automatically applied; go out in the morning must be back before noon, out in the afternoon must be back before 6pm. But of course I don't take the matter to my heart. Dulu lah masa muda-muda belia. 

As I grew up into adult, I eventually understand why mom did what she did. And the key factor to understanding her way of raising us is via her unspoken love. Yes, she is one of those people who doesn't express her love and care publicly. She doesn't hug as often. Heck, I can even count how many times she had hugged me. Seriously. And the last time we hugged each other was last year during her wedding reception.

Despite her garangness, she has proved her love for us (Ishhh, why do i even said that? Mothers do not have to prove their love bah) through her unending and sometimes annoying way of putting her nose into our lives (still is). Well, most of the time for our own good. So yes, her method of raising us from infant to adulthood had made us what we are today. Not a celebrity or a respected public figure, but yes, a person that I am now.

When Leticia came into our world making a small family out of the two of us, I thought I would become my mother. A strict mommy. A garang mommy. A no-show affection mommy. Fast forward today, with a child who is barely two, I start to absorb and comprehend my eldest brother's way of teaching and raising his children. Not that agree 100% with him but yes, I am slowly getting to understand his ways of raising the children.

My daughter is going to a stage where; quoted a friend, possesses ego at the highest. It is the phase leading up to the terrible two stage although I reckon with this girl, she has started much earlier. She starts to challenge the Nos and assume everything must be by her own way. While initially, it seems adorable cos you get to realize that she IS growing up, on certain times, especially when you have other things stressing and occupying your mind, it drives you up the wall. Yes, ALREADY.

Admittedly, I do raise my voice AND practise the tapap leg or pacik fingers as way to discipline her. Unfortunately, I find these are not ALWAYS the way to make her adhere to rules and subsequently respect the Nos. As a teacher for 12 years, I do use this method as way to discipline problematic students. Some would listen while the more hard headed ones won't (duh). We (teachers) collectedly agree that the latter acted that way because they are used to being scolded and/or beaten at home. HOME. So, do I want Leticia to be like those in the latter group because she is used to pain from home? No.

And so, in attempt to try to understand my daughter's growing up phase, I (almost reluctantly) tell myself to be less of a Tiger Mom and be more gentle yet consistent in my approach in ensuring my daughter acknowledge the rules and boundaries.

In stead of immediately shouting at her for the wrongs that she does or the rules that she breaks, I try to tell her in strong stern voice while keeping my eyes locked on her as to show my disagreement to her doings. As much as possible, I don't want to be so lenient with the pacik fingers or tapap kaki method cos I believe she will eventually get used to the pain and take it for granted.

Tantrum?
Aaaah, this is one issue that's been pestering me ever since our girl starts expressing her disagreement. At home, she would self-hit her head on any surfaces to show her frustration. Or lie down on the floor with legs kicking. Or simply cry. I would usually hug and calm her down. If that fails, I let her cry her lungs out until she gets it, 'mommy won't come to me, let me go to her.' I don't really mind her crying if it is at home. But what if it's in public? Not that she ever does it (yet). The question persist.

Does it work? The stern voice and eye-locking method?
Sometimes. It's not that easy to restraint yourself from shouting when you are angry. So yes, this takes a lot of effort.
But who says disciplining your child is a one hit wonder?
I'm pretty sure seasoned parents would unanimously answer; A LIFETIME EFFORT.

LEMBUT or GARANG . I'm grateful to be given the opportunity to become a mother and holds responsibility to raising a child. If it isn't being a mother, i wouldn't know exactly how to raise and teach a kid despite being a teacher for 12 years now. . More on this in my blog post today. Link in my bio. 😉 ________ #leticiasunduvanza #cchsparenting

A post shared by ... (@cchs_ting) on Jun 25, 2017 at 11:54pm PDT

I do get people telling me that I kasih manja anak.
To that, I rather bite my tongue than to argue.
Even if I do know (and would defend) the path I take in raising my child, it's not worth explaining my ways to people who are not there personally to raise my kid. For now, my daughter needs my utmost attention and that includes showing her love and affection as well as provide the best that I think she needs.

Raising a child is not fixed to just one method. It changes over time. It is a long journey for me (and husband) but one thing for sure, I eagerly look forward this journey cos as far as I am concern, this is by far the most interesting and challenging phase currently going on in my life.

PS: My nieces and nephews grew up to be kind and gentle children/teenagers.

Till next post!
XOXO

Inspirasi datang

3 MAY 2017
Wednesday

I just got myself a new laptop.
The previous one broke down almost three years ago.
Since then, I've always relied on my iPad to draft and post blog entries or sneak some time borrowing the husbter's laptop.
iPad broke down, it was down to my iPhone.
But blogging from the small screen iPhone is never my fancy.
So I got swayed away from the blogging community, again.
I pop up once in a while.
You know, just to make an update.
The least.

Not even 48 hours since I bought my MacBook Air, I'm already sitting and staring at my laptop for hours. First was getting some of my delayed work done. Next, browsing. Blog hopping.

Yeah, I did LOADS of that before. Blog hopping.

It just feel SO different typing on an actual keyboard than those touch pad.
It just feel alive, to be able to hear the click clack of the keyboard keys. It sends energy. It sends motivation. It sends inspiration.

So, is this inspiration?

Bah, tidur lah.

Till next post.
XOXO

Something to tick off...

3 MARCH 2017.
Sunday. 1928.


This might be cliche, but ever since I recovered from PTD in 2007, my views on life kind of spiraled out from my usual perspectives. When I was at the hospital, I had all the time to think about what life should have been if I wasn't diagnosed with the disease. Or, what if I did not recover. The latter shook me deep into my very soul.

So when I was told my illness was nearly 100% curable and I was not going to loose my hair despite the so call Chemotherapy, in that instant I saw beautiful light flaring at the end of the tunnel I was in.  Realization hit me. I now understand what most cancer survivors would say, "I see life in different ways now."

FYI, I am not a Cancer survivor cos PTD is not cancer. Just some bad guys that CAN turn into cancer if not treated early.

Anyways, the time I spent at the hospital made me ponder of all the things I should do in life. You know, like (again) the cliche question, 'If you only have a day to live, what will you do?' etc.

What I want to do with my life post my illness is just the normal thing normal people would do. To accomplish things I have planned before and to try out new things. Like going traveling. Be passionate about something. Put a smile even on the smallest achievement. Be grateful for every day that comes and go. And most of all, to give 'life' to those things I do albeit tiny stuff.

I did do some of the things I wanted to do... like adding more places to go for traveling with the hubster or with friends (decided to attend the Rainforest Music Fest  alone cos no one was able to join me although I found travel buddies later, went on a flight to HK solo and became a wanderlust in the city albeit just a day), climbed Mount Kinabalu again and aiming for 10 climbs (4 to go), had been very active in the blogging community for some years back,  tried out new things (beads making, nail art painting, yoga), be a DIY person as much as possible not just because it cut costs but the feeling you get when you are done with it is indescribable, participated in running events and claimed my Marathoner title in 2015... and I still have thousands of other things in mind that I am yet to accomplish.

However, as life gets better and better, somehow complacency slowly creeps in. The fire that once triggered from a simple illness scare was slowly dimmed. Not entirely put off but yeah, dimmed. It feels like I have everything in mind lining up nicely, waiting for me. On the other side of a sky tall fences. And I am on this other side, looking through the gaps of the fences, staring at them. I see the gateway to that other side. But it has huge padlock on it. I have the key. I just could not find it in my chaotic bag. Salah siapa?

Now, that, before our baby girl comes into picture.

Having her, helps me clear out unwanted stuffs in my bag. And I believe, eventually will help me find that key to that gateway. It feels good that while I'm at it, trying to flaunt my feet to reach for those dreams, this little girl is keeping me firm on the ground. She's not tying me down, just, grabbing my ankle when necessary.

Now, what is it that I want to tick off first from my Bucket List?

XOXO

Xin Nian Kuai Ler!

29 JANUARY 2017.
Sunday.
0643

Hello again. After the last post that is. And that was New Year. Not bad lah considering the last gap before the New Year post. Ha!

Macam everytime i come back to this blog, the only thing i do is to greet everyone that i am back to clean up all the spider webs in it. And that's it. Apalah kau ni Carol.

So okay, resolution reinforce : to do a regular post here.

Amen!

Ha!

Bah, harap-haraplah.

So, here's wishing everyone in the blogsphere and who by chance stumbled on this blog...

GONG XI FA CAI!

XOXO

Nu Yerrrrr

Sunday, Jan 1st 2017.
1744

TWENTY SEVENTEEN!!!!

Life in 2016 was all about baby, being mother and parents. I mean, yeah, there were other things but those three...they dominated my year the most and I am so grateful for that.

Never mind the lack of post here. Still around and will be sticking around for a lil while more for sure. I guess, that pension for writing or in this case, typing, isn't something that I can ditch just like that, eh?

So, Happy New Yearrrrr from Mr & Mrs AL Ting and baby Ticia!!!


XOXO

One in 700

17th September. Saturday.

Hi world! Meet Leticia Sunduvanza.

Oh wait. This mama has been talking about her almost every day, I'm sure almost all you friends know her by now. Ha!

Anyways, fast forward eight months. Our baby who is a cleft baby had just gone through her first cleft surgery; lip repair. It was devastating to see her in pain post-surgery. But this is for her future best.

Cleft lip and cleft palate are facial and oral malformations that occur very early in pregnancy, while the baby is developing inside the mother. Clefting results when there is not enough tissue in the mouth or lip area, and the tissue that is available does not join together properly. - WebMD

Dealing with both cleft lip and palate baby is tough, especially the first 6 months of her life. I remember how nervous I was when the doctor told me to hold my baby and feed her with a special bottle given by the hospital. I wasn't sure how but eventually, my motherly instinct kicked in (Thank God) and I was able to make myself and Ticia comfortable while feeding time. Fortunately, Ticia isn't that much of a fussy cleft baby. I mean, it was difficult and challenging but our baby somehow understood her condition. She coped faster with her feeding style, learned how to manage herself quicker than we thought she could. In fact, I think Leticia is growing faster than she is supposed to!

Being parents, and mother at very late age, 38 if you are wondering, somehow helps me personally to deal with an infant in calm and collected manner. Not that I say, I am good at controlling my emotions and all. But yeah, I think both husband and I have been doing quite well raising this baby so far, a clefty some more. Of course, there were nights when I got stressed out of my baby uncontrollable crying that I cried myself. However, these crying moments made me even stronger. I realized that I do have this point in life that I would stumble and kneel on my knee gasping for help. While sometimes help from others maybe unlikely, help from within myself is what matter the most. Cos, I need to have this help that surge from within me so I can help my crying child. This help that transpire into strength. Strength to collect myself and put into one piece. To be strong dealing with this small part of challenges in our life.

Yes, having a child is tough. But not having them (when you already have them) is even tougher. Leticia's presence has put a new meaning in our marriage. In me, personally. And I believe, most parents understand this new meaning I'm referring to.

I can go on and on and on about being new parents and the joy it brings. But, I have captioned them (well) a lot on my Instagram. Most of you would know my sentiments.

So, enough ramblings and toast to being parents and raising a child!

Some photos from the before and after Leticia's lip repair.

I took this photo few days before her surgery cos I know, even when I really wants her lip fixed, deep down I will always miss her wide cheerful smile.

Admitted to the ward.

Post surgery.

Few days after surgery.

Her surgery went well. She is still recovering though. Yet already back to her cheerful self. That's our baby. Our Leticia Sunduvanza.


********
Hugs and Kisses
cheguCarol

Journey to Motherhood: IVF #2

Before anything, let me just get this straight. Our result for second attempt on IVF is another Big Fat Negative.

On this entry and after taking a long time deciding whether I should post this or not, I am delighted to share this experience to the public. So much so because I know that there are women out there who are searching for such information either to help them with their own IVF experience or like me, to cope with negative result. And this post is also dedicated to Gunaqz.

After the first failed IVF, we went to have a post-consultation at the hospital. I read as much as I can to prepare myself with questions as to why this attempt had failed. Nevertheless, I was made to be cleared that my unsuccessful try was just another unexplained infertility; God's will.

By that time, both DH and I were ready to go for a second try. My medication was changed and the process was rather troublesome to me at first.

Timeline of IVF #2

Day 1
First day of Puregon injection (300iu) and Humog injection (150iu)
Instead of a pre-filled injection pen like the first time, I was to prepare the syringe for injection myself. It was a sloppy job I did on first day. I kept referring to the Internet on how to suck liquid in and out of a bottle using the syringe. Begini lah bah kalau bukan nurse. Ha! I think I wasted quite some medicine on the first day. And I was late for work because of my sloppiness.

Day 2 -5
I was still sloppy on the second and third day but got slightly better the day onward. However, injection pain was pretty intense than the first IVF due to the size of the syringe and the fact that I had to inject twice on the stomach every day.

Day 6
First ultrasound to check on the follicles development. It was not a great development though as my body was responding low to the current medicines which was kind of weird according to Dr H since the medicine was more stronger than the previous one. But he was hopeful that my follicles would show something on my second scan.

Day 7 - 8
Continued with the Puregon and Humog injections, plus an Olgalutran injection. So that makes three injections every morning. I had some help from DH with the injections and boy, he can be a shrink himself. A case of too much House he claimed. I even made him recorded my injection process.

Please excuse the clad-in-bra-only scene. Tia pandai saya mau edit2 kasi blur tu bahagian yang seksa sikit. Anggap ja feast your eyes lah...

Day 9
Second ultrasound. Follicles were developing accordingly although not as many as we would have expected. Still, Dr H was hopeful we could at least retrieve a few eggs on retrieval day.

Day 10 - 11
Puregon, Humog and Olgalutran continued as usual. On Day 11 at exactly 11pm as directed by Dr H, I had another injection; Ovidrel. An injection to trigger ovulation so that my eggs will be ready to be retrieved and fertilized with a sperm on a correct time.

Day 12
No more injections. Started fasting at midnight.

Day 13
Oocyte Pick Up (eggs retrieval)
DH and I drove to the hospital as early as 7am. Got myself checked in and documented. At around 9, was wheeled to the OT. There were only two of us so the waiting time was relatively short. I was somehow subdued this time. Probably because I knew what would happen in the procedure. Putting me to sleep before the OPU was rather easy and felt some how good to be able to sleep and not felt anything. Best sleep ever. Ha!

Day 14
Started taking Crinone gel (to be inserted in the vagina) and Duphaston twice a day. The nurse called to notify me to come for the Embryo Transfer the day after. This made me happy cos this means I do have egg(s) that managed to be fertilized.

Day 15
Went to the hospital with DH. Only one egg managed to be fertilized and it was a Grade Two embryo. It was not a great thing to hear but we could only hope for the best. It felt good to have DH with me during the procedure. But we didn't get to properly see the embryo before it was transferred back to my uterus.

Day 16 -26
I was given a 5 days sick leave which I utilized fully. I felt rather calm this time compared to the first try. I was able to get through first week of the 2WW period without thinking much about the What Ifs. However, towards the few days before I was due to do pregnancy blood test, emotional roller coaster hit me. I couldn't help it. It was still an overwhelming experience.

Day 27
The Day! Went to the Health Lab to do the Beta HcG test.
Unfortunately, another BFN. IVF number two was another unsuccessful attempt. I cried as much as I could. Normal.

***************************************

I have accepted that my time to get pregnant is not here yet. Yet, I am very sure of one thing. That I will be a mother. That I will have a child to call our own. That we will be good parents to this child. In His time.


***************************************
IVF treatment is available at Likas Hospital Kota Kinabalu.
Rate of doing this treatment ranges between RM6K to RM9K depending on medicines given.
Contact 088-522600 (connect to Nurse Dewi) for further inquiries.

Journey to motherhood: IVF #1

Having to deal with infertility is not a joke. Never is. Never will.

I have talked about my ordeal with Molar Pregnancy, PTD and miscarriage in my old blog. Honestly, blogging about it did help me release some stress off my mind. It also helped me in putting up my hopes and never give up with our struggle for becoming parents. However, 10 years into our marriage, 7 years after the miscarriage, 5 years after IUI and several other happenings that come in between... I am starting to feel empty. No, wait. Empty is an understatement. Giving up is more like it.

I know people will start telling me against giving up. Not an option. Not until every possible effort has been exhausted.

I know.
Very much aware of the consequences of giving up.
Yet, I can't help feeling helpless and hopeless at times.

Anyways, despite having those low moments... DH and I went a step further in trying to build a family.

IVF

We started our first IVF in the final week of last August.
I was prescribed with a pre-filled injection pen (Gonal F) to be injected on my lower abdomen from Day 3 of my menses for 5 days. The pre-filled pen was relatively easy to use. I had no problem injecting myself.

On Day 6, went for a vaginal ultrasound to check on the progress of my follicles. It was not bad albeit the doctor telling me they were swelling too quick. So my dosage was reduced for the next 3 days. But it does feel good to hear the doctor telling me about the follicles that were growing. Well, that at least gave me hope that I am still able to produce egg(s).

I went for the second vaginal scan on Day 9. There weren't many eggs but Dr Hatta was confident they were enough for an OPU to be done. So he scheduled an OPU for me on Day 12 while prescribing Ovidrel to trigger ovulation.

On Day 12, DH and I went to the hospital as early as 7am. I felt somewhat nervous as I was told I would be put to sleep. The memory of my D&C procedure 7 years ago flashed through my mind. DH assured me that the worst thing can happen is if the medicine does not get me to sleep. Ha! Nevertheless, I could not help but thinking 'What if I will never wake up?'. I know, morbid.

I could remember every detail of the procedure from the moment I was wheeled on bed to the OT waiting room, sharing jokes with the anaestheticians about having difficulties finding my vein to set up the IV line, watching and smiling at Dr Hatta showing his staffs how a certain push ups should be done, being in the OT, saw three young guys assisting Dr Hatta in the procedure and thought 'Wow, more men looking at my vajayjay' and finally saying Good Night to one of the guys when he said he's going to put me to sleep and had most them chuckle when I said it. Well, this time was pretty quick. I didn't even get to count. Unlike the D&C, I remember counting up to 4 before I dozed off.

It took about 10 minutes to get the OPU done. And another 10-15 minutes to get me up from the anaesthetic. The first thing I asked when I opened up my eyes was the time. That, cos I was squinting hard at the clock and still could not read the time as my eyes were still blurry, one of the effects of the medicine.

Cut long story short, OPU went well. I felt slight uncomfort around my lower abdomen but things went well.

On Day 14, I came in for Embryo Transfer. It is a simple procedure, much like a Pap Smear to transfer the fertilized egg back into the uterus. Four eggs were retrieved during the OPU, only two were fertilized but only ONE made it into the next stage. The embryologist said it was a Grade One embryo. Dr Hatta let me see that tiny embryo via the monitor before it was inserted to my uterus. I know it was nothing unusual or special about it but seeing an embryo, my embryo... a surge of joy made my heart leap. I almost broke in tears.

The crucial part of the cycle is ALWAYS the two weeks waiting time. As much as I told myself to not be stressed by anything, it's not as easy as said. It was indeed a stressful two weeks for me. VERY much. Every single day. Going through the 2 weeks after an IVF is unlike normal pregnancy. You are aware of the embryo that is inside you, wondering if it's going to plant itself accordingly. Your sense on body changes is extra heightened that even a very mild cramp will make you wonder if you are pregnant. Tell me or to every woman that is undergoing IVF to relax. Chances are, we can't. We will try but to have us saying, "Oh, I am fine. I don't think much about it. I just keep myself busy with other thoughts" I say, BS.

Alas, when it was the day to go for my blood test (beta HcG), I was told the bad news. The result was negative. The fertilized egg didn't manage to implant itself. Our IVF attempt number Uno failed.

It would be a lie to say I am able to go through the days easily after the result. But, I can't show up sulking face and crying every day can I? It was pretty much a devastating news. Too heartbreaking that I don't really know how to explain them in words. Not even in laymen term. I can't even explain it to the DH as I am aware of his own heartbreak too.

As much as I think I stumbled on dead end, deep in my heart I know I am not. I lay the source of my strength, my hope and my faith in the good Lord. All the events that are currently my life, they are teaching me one thing - to always depend on my faith in Him. To never cease praying.

We are currently on IVF number two.
I give it to God to do as He will.


This is kind of my entry to document my journey to becoming a person that I am sure I am... a wife, a mother and a daughter of God; our journey to becoming parents; our journey for a family.

Thank you for reading.

Ran a Full Marathon: Checked.

This is already an old news. But hey, i finally strike off another list on my I List... tab.

Some joy it was and still is.... I still have the whole thing fresh in my head but let me spare you the boredom reading my rants of talking and trying motivating myself during the entire run.

So I have finished a 42km marathon. Now what? Will I want to do it again, and again? Or have I have enough?

Truth is, and true to what most running friends have said, I will want to do it again. Perhaps more. It is just a question of when will I do it again?

The question remains.