Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Inspirasi datang

3 MAY 2017

I just got myself a new laptop.
The previous one broke down almost three years ago.
Since then, I've always relied on my iPad to draft and post blog entries or sneak some time borrowing the husbter's laptop.
iPad broke down, it was down to my iPhone.
But blogging from the small screen iPhone is never my fancy.
So I got swayed away from the blogging community, again.
I pop up once in a while.
You know, just to make an update.
The least.

Not even 48 hours since I bought my MacBook Air, I'm already sitting and staring at my laptop for hours. First was getting some of my delayed work done. Next, browsing. Blog hopping.

Yeah, I did LOADS of that before. Blog hopping.

It just feel SO different typing on an actual keyboard than those touch pad.
It just feel alive, to be able to hear the click clack of the keyboard keys being clicked. It sends energy. It sends motivation. It sends inspiration.

So, is this inspiration?

Bah, tidur lah.

Till next post.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Something to tick off...

3 MARCH 2017.
Sunday. 1928.

This might be cliche, but ever since I recovered from PTD in 2007, my views on life kind of spiraled out from my usual perspectives. When I was at the hospital, I had all the time to think about what life should have been if I wasn't diagnosed with the disease. Or, what if I did not recover. The latter shook me deep into my very soul.

So when I was told my illness was nearly 100% curable and I was not going to loose my hair despite the so call Chemotherapy, in that instant I saw beautiful light flaring at the end of the tunnel I was in.  Realization hit me. I now understand what most cancer survivors would say, "I see life in different ways now."

FYI, I am not a Cancer survivor cos PTD is not cancer. Just some bad guys that CAN turn into cancer if not treated early.

Anyways, the time I spent at the hospital made me ponder of all the things I should do in life. You know, like (again) the cliche question, 'If you only have a day to live, what will you do?' etc.

What I want to do with my life post my illness is just the normal thing normal people would do. To accomplish things I have planned before and to try out new things. Like going traveling. Be passionate about something. Put a smile even on the smallest achievement. Be grateful for every day that comes and go. And most of all, to give 'life' to those things I do albeit tiny stuff.

I did do some of the things I wanted to do... like adding more places to go for traveling with the hubster or with friends (decided to attend the Rainforest Music Fest  alone cos no one was able to join me although I found travel buddies later, went on a flight to HK solo and became a wanderlust in the city albeit just a day), climbed Mount Kinabalu again and aiming for 10 climbs (4 to go), had been very active in the blogging community for some years back,  tried out new things (beads making, nail art painting, yoga), be a DIY person as much as possible not just because it cut costs but the feeling you get when you are done with it is indescribable, participated in running events and claimed my Marathoner title in 2015... and I still have thousands of other things in mind that I am yet to accomplish.

However, as life gets better and better, somehow complacency slowly creeps in. The fire that once triggered from a simple illness scare was slowly dimmed. Not entirely put off but yeah, dimmed. It feels like I have everything in mind lining up nicely, waiting for me. On the other side of a sky tall fences. And I am on this other side, looking through the gaps of the fences, staring at them. I see the gateway to that other side. But it has huge padlock on it. I have the key. I just could not find it in my chaotic bag. Salah siapa?

Now, that, before our baby girl comes into picture.

Having her, helps me clear out unwanted stuffs in my bag. And I believe, eventually will help me find that key to that gateway. It feels good that while I'm at it, trying to flaunt my feet to reach for those dreams, this little girl is keeping me firm on the ground. She's not tying me down, just, grabbing my ankle when necessary.

Now, what is it that I want to tick off first from my Bucket List?


Sunday, January 29, 2017

Xin Nian Kuai Ler!

29 JANUARY 2017.

Hello again. After the last post that is. And that was New Year. Not bad lah considering the last gap before the New Year post. Ha!

Macam everytime i come back to this blog, the only thing i do is to greet everyone that i am back to clean up all the spider webs in it. And that's it. Apalah kau ni Carol.

So okay, resolution reinforce : to do a regular post here.



Bah, harap-haraplah.

So, here's wishing everyone in the blogsphere and who by chance stumbled on this blog...



Sunday, January 1, 2017

Nu Yerrrrr

Sunday, Jan 1st 2017.


Life in 2016 was all about baby, being mother and parents. I mean, yeah, there were other things but those three...they dominated my year the most and I am so grateful for that.

Never mind the lack of post here. Still around and will be sticking around for a lil while more for sure. I guess, that pension for writing or in this case, typing, isn't something that I can ditch just like that, eh?

So, Happy New Yearrrrr from Mr & Mrs AL Ting and baby Ticia!!!!



Sunday, September 18, 2016

One in 700

17th September. Saturday.

Hi world! Meet Leticia Sunduvanza.

Oh wait. This mama has been talking about her almost every day, I'm sure almost all you friends know her by now. Ha!

Anyways, fast forward eight months. Our baby who is a cleft baby had just gone through her first cleft surgery; lip repair. It was devastating to see her in pain post-surgery. But this is for her future best.

Cleft lip and cleft palate are facial and oral malformations that occur very early in pregnancy, while the baby is developing inside the mother. Clefting results when there is not enough tissue in the mouth or lip area, and the tissue that is available does not join together properly. - WebMD

Dealing with both cleft lip and palate baby is tough, especially the first 6 months of her life. I remember how nervous I was when the doctor told me to hold my baby and feed her with a special bottle given by the hospital. I wasn't sure how but eventually, my motherly instinct kicked in (Thank God) and I was able to make myself and Ticia comfortable while feeding time. Fortunately, Ticia isn't that much of a fussy cleft baby. I mean, it was difficult and challenging but our baby somehow understood her condition. She coped faster with her feeding style, learned how to manage herself quicker than we thought she could. In fact, I think Leticia is growing faster than she is supposed to!

Being parents, and mother at very late age, 38 if you are wondering, somehow helps me personally to deal with an infant in calm and collected manner. Not that I say, I am good at controlling my emotions and all. But yeah, I think both husband and I have been doing quite well raising this baby so far, a clefty some more. Of course, there were nights when I got stressed out of my baby uncontrollable crying that I cried myself. However, these crying moments made me even stronger. I realized that I do have this point in life that I would stumble and kneel on my knee gasping for help. While sometimes help from others maybe unlikely, help from within myself is what matter the most. Cos, I need to have this help that surge from within me so I can help my crying child. This help that transpire into strength. Strength to collect myself and put into one piece. To be strong dealing with this small part of challenges in our life.

Yes, having a child is tough. But not having them (when you already have them) is even tougher. Leticia's presence has put a new meaning in our marriage. In me, personally. And I believe, most parents understand this new meaning I'm referring to.

I can go on and on and on about being new parents and the joy it brings. But, I have captioned them (well) a lot on my Instagram. Most of you would know my sentiments.

So, enough ramblings and toast to being parents and raising a child!

Some photos from the before and after Leticia's lip repair.

I took this photo few days before her surgery cos I know, even when I really wants her lip fixed, deep down I will always miss her wide cheerful smile.

Admitted to the ward.

Post surgery.

Few days after surgery.

Her surgery went well. She is still recovering though. Yet already back to her cheerful self. That's our baby. Our Leticia Sunduvanza.

Hugs and Kisses

Saturday, July 2, 2016

Journey to Motherhood: IVF #2

Before anything, let me just get this straight. Our result for second attempt on IVF is another Big Fat Negative.

On this entry and after taking a long time deciding whether I should post this or not, I am delighted to share this experience to the public. So much so because I know that there are women out there who are searching for such information either to help them with their own IVF experience or like me, to cope with negative result. And this post is also dedicated to Gunaqz.

After the first failed IVF, we went to have a post-consultation at the hospital. I read as much as I can to prepare myself with questions as to why this attempt had failed. Nevertheless, I was made to be cleared that my unsuccessful try was just another unexplained infertility; God's will.

By that time, both DH and I were ready to go for a second try. My medication was changed and the process was rather troublesome to me at first.

Timeline of IVF #2

Day 1
First day of Puregon injection (300iu) and Humog injection (150iu)
Instead of a pre-filled injection pen like the first time, I was to prepare the syringe for injection myself. It was a sloppy job I did on first day. I kept referring to the Internet on how to suck liquid in and out of a bottle using the syringe. Begini lah bah kalau bukan nurse. Ha! I think I wasted quite some medicine on the first day. And I was late for work because of my sloppiness.

Day 2 -5
I was still sloppy on the second and third day but got slightly better the day onward. However, injection pain was pretty intense than the first IVF due to the size of the syringe and the fact that I had to inject twice on the stomach every day.

Day 6
First ultrasound to check on the follicles development. It was not a great development though as my body was responding low to the current medicines which was kind of weird according to Dr H since the medicine was more stronger than the previous one. But he was hopeful that my follicles would show something on my second scan.

Day 7 - 8
Continued with the Puregon and Humog injections, plus an Olgalutran injection. So that makes three injections every morning. I had some help from DH with the injections and boy, he can be a shrink himself. A case of too much House he claimed. I even made him recorded my injection process.

Please excuse the clad-in-bra-only scene. Tia pandai saya mau edit2 kasi blur tu bahagian yang seksa sikit. Anggap ja feast your eyes lah...

Day 9
Second ultrasound. Follicles were developing accordingly although not as many as we would have expected. Still, Dr H was hopeful we could at least retrieve a few eggs on retrieval day.

Day 10 - 11
Puregon, Humog and Olgalutran continued as usual. On Day 11 at exactly 11pm as directed by Dr H, I had another injection; Ovidrel. An injection to trigger ovulation so that my eggs will be ready to be retrieved and fertilized with a sperm on a correct time.

Day 12
No more injections. Started fasting at midnight.

Day 13
Oocyte Pick Up (eggs retrieval)
DH and I drove to the hospital as early as 7am. Got myself checked in and documented. At around 9, was wheeled to the OT. There were only two of us so the waiting time was relatively short. I was somehow subdued this time. Probably because I knew what would happen in the procedure. Putting me to sleep before the OPU was rather easy and felt some how good to be able to sleep and not felt anything. Best sleep ever. Ha!

Day 14
Started taking Crinone gel (to be inserted in the vagina) and Duphaston twice a day. The nurse called to notify me to come for the Embryo Transfer the day after. This made me happy cos this means I do have egg(s) that managed to be fertilized.

Day 15
Went to the hospital with DH. Only one egg managed to be fertilized and it was a Grade Two embryo. It was not a great thing to hear but we could only hope for the best. It felt good to have DH with me during the procedure. But we didn't get to properly see the embryo before it was transferred back to my uterus.

Day 16 -26
I was given a 5 days sick leave which I utilized fully. I felt rather calm this time compared to the first try. I was able to get through first week of the 2WW period without thinking much about the What Ifs. However, towards the few days before I was due to do pregnancy blood test, emotional roller coaster hit me. I couldn't help it. It was still an overwhelming experience.

Day 27
The Day! Went to the Health Lab to do the Beta HcG test.
Unfortunately, another BFN. IVF number two was another unsuccessful attempt. I cried as much as I could. Normal.


I have accepted that my time to get pregnant is not here yet. Yet, I am very sure of one thing. That I will be a mother. That I will have a child to call our own. That we will be good parents to this child. In His time.

IVF treatment is available at Likas Hospital Kota Kinabalu.
Rate of doing this treatment ranges between RM6K to RM9K depending on medicines given.
Contact 088-522600 (connect to Nurse Dewi) for further inquiries.

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Journey to motherhood: IVF #1

Having to deal with infertility is not a joke. Never is. Never will.

I have talked about my ordeal with Molar Pregnancy, PTD and miscarriage in my old blog. Honestly, blogging about it did help me release some stress off my mind. It also helped me in putting up my hopes and never give up with our struggle for becoming parents. However, 10 years into our marriage, 7 years after the miscarriage, 5 years after IUI and several other happenings that come in between... I am starting to feel empty. No, wait. Empty is an understatement. Giving up is more like it.

I know people will start telling me against giving up. Not an option. Not until every possible effort has been exhausted.

I know.
Very much aware of the consequences of giving up.
Yet, I can't help feeling helpless and hopeless at times.

Anyways, despite having those low moments... DH and I went a step further in trying to build a family.


We started our first IVF in the final week of last August.
I was prescribed with a pre-filled injection pen (Gonal F) to be injected on my lower abdomen from Day 3 of my menses for 5 days. The pre-filled pen was relatively easy to use. I had no problem injecting myself.

On Day 6, went for a vaginal ultrasound to check on the progress of my follicles. It was not bad albeit the doctor telling me they were swelling too quick. So my dosage was reduced for the next 3 days. But it does feel good to hear the doctor telling me about the follicles that were growing. Well, that at least gave me hope that I am still able to produce egg(s).

I went for the second vaginal scan on Day 9. There weren't many eggs but Dr Hatta was confident they were enough for an OPU to be done. So he scheduled an OPU for me on Day 12 while prescribing Ovidrel to trigger ovulation.

On Day 12, DH and I went to the hospital as early as 7am. I felt somewhat nervous as I was told I would be put to sleep. The memory of my D&C procedure 7 years ago flashed through my mind. DH assured me that the worst thing can happen is if the medicine does not get me to sleep. Ha! Nevertheless, I could not help but thinking 'What if I will never wake up?'. I know, morbid.

I could remember every detail of the procedure from the moment I was wheeled on bed to the OT waiting room, sharing jokes with the anaestheticians about having difficulties finding my vein to set up the IV line, watching and smiling at Dr Hatta showing his staffs how a certain push ups should be done, being in the OT, saw three young guys assisting Dr Hatta in the procedure and thought 'Wow, more men looking at my vajayjay' and finally saying Good Night to one of the guys when he said he's going to put me to sleep and had most them chuckle when I said it. Well, this time was pretty quick. I didn't even get to count. Unlike the D&C, I remember counting up to 4 before I dozed off.

It took about 10 minutes to get the OPU done. And another 10-15 minutes to get me up from the anaesthetic. The first thing I asked when I opened up my eyes was the time. That, cos I was squinting hard at the clock and still could not read the time as my eyes were still blurry, one of the effects of the medicine.

Cut long story short, OPU went well. I felt slight uncomfort around my lower abdomen but things went well.

On Day 14, I came in for Embryo Transfer. It is a simple procedure, much like a Pap Smear to transfer the fertilized egg back into the uterus. Four eggs were retrieved during the OPU, only two were fertilized but only ONE made it into the next stage. The embryologist said it was a Grade One embryo. Dr Hatta let me see that tiny embryo via the monitor before it was inserted to my uterus. I know it was nothing unusual or special about it but seeing an embryo, my embryo... a surge of joy made my heart leap. I almost broke in tears.

The crucial part of the cycle is ALWAYS the two weeks waiting time. As much as I told myself to not be stressed by anything, it's not as easy as said. It was indeed a stressful two weeks for me. VERY much. Every single day. Going through the 2 weeks after an IVF is unlike normal pregnancy. You are aware of the embryo that is inside you, wondering if it's going to plant itself accordingly. Your sense on body changes is extra heightened that even a very mild cramp will make you wonder if you are pregnant. Tell me or to every woman that is undergoing IVF to relax. Chances are, we can't. We will try but to have us saying, "Oh, I am fine. I don't think much about it. I just keep myself busy with other thoughts" I say, BS.

Alas, when it was the day to go for my blood test (beta HcG), I was told the bad news. The result was negative. The fertilized egg didn't manage to implant itself. Our IVF attempt number Uno failed.

It would be a lie to say I am able to go through the days easily after the result. But, I can't show up sulking face and crying every day can I? It was pretty much a devastating news. Too heartbreaking that I don't really know how to explain them in words. Not even in laymen term. I can't even explain it to the DH as I am aware of his own heartbreak too.

As much as I think I stumbled on dead end, deep in my heart I know I am not. I lay the source of my strength, my hope and my faith in the good Lord. All the events that are currently my life, they are teaching me one thing - to always depend on my faith in Him. To never cease praying.

We are currently on IVF number two.
I give it to God to do as He will.

This is kind of my entry to document my journey to becoming a person that I am sure I am... a wife, a mother and a daughter of God; our journey to becoming parents; our journey for a family.

Thank you for reading.