I have talked about my ordeal with Molar Pregnancy, PTD and miscarriage in my old blog. Honestly, blogging about it did help me release some stress off my mind. It also helped me in putting up my hopes and never give up with our struggle for becoming parents. However, 10 years into our marriage, 7 years after the miscarriage, 5 years after IUI and several other happenings that come in between... I am starting to feel empty. No, wait. Empty is an understatement. Giving up is more like it.
I know people will start telling me against giving up. Not an option. Not until every possible effort has been exhausted.
Very much aware of the consequences of giving up.
Yet, I can't help feeling helpless and hopeless at times.
Anyways, despite having those low moments... DH and I went a step further in trying to build a family.
We started our first IVF in the final week of last August.
I was prescribed with a pre-filled injection pen (Gonal F) to be injected on my lower abdomen from Day 3 of my menses for 5 days. The pre-filled pen was relatively easy to use. I had no problem injecting myself.
On Day 6, went for a vaginal ultrasound to check on the progress of my follicles. It was not bad albeit the doctor telling me they were swelling too quick. So my dosage was reduced for the next 3 days. But it does feel good to hear the doctor telling me about the follicles that were growing. Well, that at least gave me hope that I am still able to produce egg(s).
I went for the second vaginal scan on Day 9. There weren't many eggs but Dr Hatta was confident they were enough for an OPU to be done. So he scheduled an OPU for me on Day 12 while prescribing Ovidrel to trigger ovulation.
On Day 12, DH and I went to the hospital as early as 7am. I felt somewhat nervous as I was told I would be put to sleep. The memory of my D&C procedure 7 years ago flashed through my mind. DH assured me that the worst thing can happen is if the medicine does not get me to sleep. Ha! Nevertheless, I could not help but thinking 'What if I will never wake up?'. I know, morbid.
I could remember every detail of the procedure from the moment I was wheeled on bed to the OT waiting room, sharing jokes with the anaestheticians about having difficulties finding my vein to set up the IV line, watching and smiling at Dr Hatta showing his staffs how a certain push ups should be done, being in the OT, saw three young guys assisting Dr Hatta in the procedure and thought 'Wow, more men looking at my vajayjay' and finally saying Good Night to one of the guys when he said he's going to put me to sleep and had most them chuckle when I said it. Well, this time was pretty quick. I didn't even get to count. Unlike the D&C, I remember counting up to 4 before I dozed off.
It took about 10 minutes to get the OPU done. And another 10-15 minutes to get me up from the anaesthetic. The first thing I asked when I opened up my eyes was the time. That, cos I was squinting hard at the clock and still could not read the time as my eyes were still blurry, one of the effects of the medicine.
Cut long story short, OPU went well. I felt slight uncomfort around my lower abdomen but things went well.
On Day 14, I came in for Embryo Transfer. It is a simple procedure, much like a Pap Smear to transfer the fertilized egg back into the uterus. Four eggs were retrieved during the OPU, only two were fertilized but only ONE made it into the next stage. The embryologist said it was a Grade One embryo. Dr Hatta let me see that tiny embryo via the monitor before it was inserted to my uterus. I know it was nothing unusual or special about it but seeing an embryo, my embryo... a surge of joy made my heart leap. I almost broke in tears.
The crucial part of the cycle is ALWAYS the two weeks waiting time. As much as I told myself to not be stressed by anything, it's not as easy as said. It was indeed a stressful two weeks for me. VERY much. Every single day. Going through the 2 weeks after an IVF is unlike normal pregnancy. You are aware of the embryo that is inside you, wondering if it's going to plant itself accordingly. Your sense on body changes is extra heightened that even a very mild cramp will make you wonder if you are pregnant. Tell me or to every woman that is undergoing IVF to relax. Chances are, we can't. We will try but to have us saying, "Oh, I am fine. I don't think much about it. I just keep myself busy with other thoughts" I say, BS.
Alas, when it was the day to go for my blood test (beta HcG), I was told the bad news. The result was negative. The fertilized egg didn't manage to implant itself. Our IVF attempt number Uno failed.
It would be a lie to say I am able to go through the days easily after the result. But, I can't show up sulking face and crying every day can I? It was pretty much a devastating news. Too heartbreaking that I don't really know how to explain them in words. Not even in laymen term. I can't even explain it to the DH as I am aware of his own heartbreak too.
As much as I think I stumbled on dead end, deep in my heart I know I am not. I lay the source of my strength, my hope and my faith in the good Lord. All the events that are currently my life, they are teaching me one thing - to always depend on my faith in Him. To never cease praying.
We are currently on IVF number two.
I give it to God to do as He will.
This is kind of my entry to document my journey to becoming a person that I am sure I am... a wife, a mother and a daughter of God; our journey to becoming parents; our journey for a family.
Thank you for reading.